To the bottom of the abyss

That is my journey that is my quest

Only when I reach the true bottom

Can I start building.

Only then I can climb and reach for the top

Only then can I breathe

For the first time

In a while.


Breaking down, it happens and to be honest and truthful it’s the easiest thing to do. The destruction is made easier by foundations that were damaged and uncompleted in the first place.

I think my foundations are damaged; I can’t even comprehend what I can do to rectify it. I know that when at the brink, the edge of it all I should go to my safe place where ever that is and let it all out, this is easy enough to be said but what I struggle with is, is the letting it all out.

And I blame society for this trait, I among others may feel the need to not show our feelings or talk about them because society told us not to. Society doesn’t really promote it, instead it condemns talking about your feelings and you get called things like ‘bitch, whiney, crazy, soft’ if you do so but sometimes you just need to talk and need someone to just listen. And to be honest the fact is in my book anyone who talks about their feelings is the opposite of those names, because it takes bravery and courage to do so, to make yourself so vulnerable and go against instincts to keep it all in.

By keeping it all in you’re just going to make it worse and I can imagine two outcomes of it:

Like a volcano you hold it in until it’s too much and eventually explode, projectile vomit everywhere but once it’s over it’s over and your fine it really is like vomiting, you’ll feel right as rain afterwards, still it’s damaging in itself it’s slow so you won’t notice until the damage is done. Like acid eroding your teeth, until your sweet smile has completely deteriorated.

Like a fizzy drink you hold it all in and eventually it will stay in and fizzle down until you are flat, no sparkle or fizz. You’d be void of emotion. You’d be a boss of giving no shits. It’s something that I stumbled upon recently. Something that I call The Calm. Sounds great right nothing would bug you anymore… except it’s not great it was something I had never felt before and the only thing I could compare ti t to would be in “The Vampire Diaries” when a vampire turns off their emotions and humanity. If you haven’t seen that show you don’t need to the writing isn’t spectacular.

Think of this calm as the calm after the storm, after the rage, sadness and pain, comes the calm. It’s nothing familiar, it’s strange and daunting and unfriendly.

The first is the less of two evils, but it’s still evil. So please write a letter, or email make a phone call got for coffee. And talk and maybe even listen.

It’s time that we all change and make something beautiful.


Please tell me


I must lie

with every step that I take.

the end is near

but the story on going .

Please tell me why

why I feel like a failure and

a fraud

why when I breathe

it feels like a waste

like something bitter

but there’s no taste

Please tell me why

I’m a contradiction

why you say it’s okay

but others tell me it’s not

Please tell me why he

had to die

and why she stays with him

and why I feel a tortured soul

and why he’s like that

and why we can’t be like them

why can’t it be the way that it is

why I feel that I need to change it

to save it to save them

and why above all else

am I full of doubt

Can I do it?

Bury me in bruises

she said

Hit me like a man

Or it will be your biggest mistake.

She sang

She told me

Hit me, Hit me, Hit me

And I did

She wanted it.

She said



Keep going

It doesn’t hurt at all baby

So I did

The her sweet song


Into a low whistle.

Still, it was captivating

As her sweet tune.

Lulling me to hit her

And I did

Then silence

No singing

No whistling


Just a void

An ache in my fists


A sting in my bones


And her

She, still silent. Dead.

The end of her swan song.


AlmostlyHer and her almost smile.
We and our almost always.
kind of,
just about,
more or less,
close to,
pretty much.
love you
want you
need you
lust pride
with or without you
I am a sinner
be with me

a love I nearly, might ever know,

- Lexa

A beautiful and distinguished familyLiars

A private island

A brilliant, damaged girl;

A passionate, political boy

A group of four friends

—the Liars—

Whose friendship turns destructive. A revolution. An accident. A secret.

Lies upon lies. True love. The truth.

Read it. And if anyone asks you how it ends, just LIE.


I haven’t done one of these in a while, but I had to with this book. I need a mourning period though just thinking about it makes my heart-ache [I’m an empathic type of girl, the struggle is real.]

If and when you read this book you should know not to reveal the secrets otherwise the book is ruined and won’t have the impact that it truly deserves. It’s best to go into this blind and deaf… the less you know the better, just know John Green said it was good, it must be good.

This book is so seductive with its secrets, E. Lockhart is phenomenal. I’ve only read two of her books but they were both exceptional in the use of retrospective.

Most of the story takes place in Summer, but this is not your typical summer read this is more psychological.

The bullet hole opened wide and my heart rolled out of my rib cage and down into a flower bed.

That’s how I felt when I finished the book.

The setting is well built and believable, the characters have depth, and body. They had beautiful contraditions like normal people. Lockhart really grasps the thought process of a teenage mind through the four teenagers. And the connection they have with each other, the easy relationship confined to summer [that I'm not unfamiliar with.]

And hot damn the metaphors and figurative language in this novel is so beautiful and powerful, the kind of impact I have rarely experienced is impressive.

Though when reading this I was unsure where this was goin to go we have an unreliable narrator, with amnesia this could have went anywhere.

I went through an abundance of outcomes of what happens because I really I just didn’t know. But Lockhart is sly, there are crumbs in the most unexpected places, that I only realised in the end.

You’ll see In the end, and when you get there, lets keep it a secret.



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