The Host

So we begin the main chick [Melanie] jumps out of a window because she'd rather be dead than be a host however when she hits the ground she breaks virtually every bone in her body but still breathes so they put the little alien in the back of her head then she’s good to go.

The damn alien looks like a bunch of sperm rushed a egg and then they all got stuck together and started glowing.

Let me give you the background basically these aliens invaded apparently they are the friendly kind not like E.T [they don’t want to go home] no they have to have hosts; they’re these tiny little things that can’t do shit without bodies. <a So the big question is how the fuck did they travel across galaxies and cut open peoples neck backs so they could live within their bodies?

well guess what I don’t know, I may be a fucking idiot for not understanding maybe I wasn’t paying attention but they should like make it very very clear.

The alien names herself ‘wanderer’ wanderer relays what she knows about the resistance Melanie’s mind is still alive so she like hell NO!

So they find out that there is resistance and are like we’re gona put you in a different body wanderer so they run away.

but wanderer and Melanie have conflicting ideas  and they total the car and begin to walk through the desert to find the resistance of course we all know how fool this is wandering around in the desert talking to yourself with one bottle of water.

they pass out under a tree and their face is all sun burnt then they are found by Melanie’s uncle and he takes her in even though the wanderer puts them all [resistance] in danger they have this really cool hollow volcano that is there home and it has this big rushing river and a corn field that uses mirrors and the sun for the harvest. As I said coooool

I think would be a good point to tell you about Melanie so the aliens invade but her he little brother and her father had escaped the first wave however they found them her father committed suicide as Melanie and her brother hid so she took care of him and the moved from place to place then like a couple of months later she runs into this dude and he stick his tongue down her throat because he’s so happy to see another human she slaps him and then they travel together and he is now her boyfriend.

So they were living in this building then the aliens show up and are like blah Melanie says she’ll led them away and ends up jumping out the window.

Everyone except like two people wants to kill Melanie and the wanderer and they nearly killed by their neighbors twice though. Her boyfriend saves her the first time then she saves herself they get all friendly and shit there’s no montage thank you! But it has the same effect they let her farm and give her a nickname Wanda. then the is other dude is like kissing Wanda but Melanie is like NO then she stops but Melanie doesn’t want to kiss her boyfriend whilst Wanda is there so now we have this big ass Love Triangle.

And whilst all this is going on in the mountain thing there’s aliens outside pursuing Wanda and Melanie this bitch is fucking obsessed and end up killing one of her own and is like shun by all the other alien people because hey they just want to be peaceful. Then she runs off and is determined to find Wanda. And then we find out that this obsessed bitch still has resistance from the human she took the body from.

Back to the mountain and Melanie’s brother cut his leg and is going to die from like septicemia so Wanda like I can save him and leaves the mountain to get so medical spray that fixes everything. Later on she finds out the  doctor in the mountain have be trying to remove the alien from the people they capture but failing epically and just killing off bag of people unintentionally. And Wanda is like NOOOOOOOOOO!

She won’t talk to anyone. Then she decides to teach these people how to remove the aliens safely with a loving hand and tells the doctor to do the same to her cause she’s had enough of living. Obviously they don’t fucking listen and give her some next person’s body who was nearly dead anyway. In the end it shows that the humans and alien people can live together in peace.

So guys that it you know how I fail at telling stories by now so yeah.

-          Side note:

  In my opinion this was way too sexual for a 12a rating but I guess it’s not enough for a 15 rating what does it matter now anyway I hear that kids are sexting having sex and giving sexual favors from the ages of 10 and 11 now like the can spell intercourse correctly.

-Lexa

G.I. Joe : Hell NO!

Well it seems quite obvious that I am back so let’s just start by say my dear wordpress how I have missed you; you’re just not the same on a tablet.

Now that over with I have to movies to review:

GI Joe

The Host

And I think we all know that I’m not going to withhold information so if you don’t want it ruined for you, you should leave.

GI Joe Retaliation 3D

What the fuck is wrong with you.

Let me start from the beginning it was awesome they were on this covert mission obvs.  And the rock was there and I was like okay your biceps are bigger than your head boy you need to step of them steroids before they step on you if you get my drift.

Where’s the rest of the team from the first movie where are they I’m looking round like it’s cool they’re probably gonna step doing some back flips are something like that no that did not happen because all there is the Rocks ginormous biceps and the very sexy Channing Tatum so I was cool that right no more tech guy, red head, British black guy or Marlon Wayans [don’t except me to remember their names]. Only snake eyes and duke remain I was slightly pissed and annoyed by this but I got over it. And so would you but they gave us the audience the most unwelcomed ‘gift’ they KILLED OFF DUKE for some wasteman newbie. YOU HAVE GONE TOO FAR. Our duke died saving some dude who isn’t even that hot or skilled for awesomeness.

Only three survive the rock some chick and the guy duke saved. They’re walking through the desert trying to find a way out the find a landing strip and magic their way back to America.

Meanwhile snake eyes is being held captive? yes snake eyes these guys take him to some underground bunker so close to the earth’s core that they have to have these huge tanks cooling the whole place they take of snake eyes mask to reveal storm shadow he has a plan to release cobra commander .

- Dudes i hoped you watched the first movie i mean if you didn’t you’ll just wait for explanations in the movie but you should have and if you didn’t shame on you!

Anyway the bad guys have this Nano technology and the whistling guy is like totally posing and the prez of USA.

It goes like this they paralyse storm shadow with some kind of chemical found in the brain when your asleep [or something like that] they put him in this tank of water, I think we all know you can’t hold a ninja. He goes into Zen-mode and stops his fucking heart!!!!  Yes dude pure awesomeness then the scientist guys is like oh shit we killed him and as they reach in to revive him. He awakens pulls the guy into the tank and goes ape shit crazy; some complete div is shooting up the tank like that’s gonna solve the problem -_- .

The main guy is still alive and dipped off leaving storm shadow and his shuriken(s) [I don’t know if that’s the plural word keeps giving me a red line]   so ass is kicked and storm shadow releases the cobra commander leaving the other dude in the tank. then this other guy comes, [can’t remember the details] but there’s is a big explosion and storm shadow get burned all over his back but my man didn’t not shed a tear nor did he look at the explosion [FACT] storm shadow is a true boss

[Shits getting heavy i mean I’ve written a lot and this isn’t even half of the movie]

• snakes eyes is fighting some British Indian Asian chick [she’s lie his apprentice allocated by black blind dude and to be honest she looks half Indian and Chinese and then when she talks it like an Indian doing a fake British accent] who is blindfolded as the blind black man watches [the truth- no exaggeration].they’re on a mountain and storm shadow is in recovery in recovery then snakes eyes has a fight with storm shadow shuriken are flying swords are slashing then snake eyes knocks storm shadow on conscience then snake eyes and the chic are trying to escape with storm shadow from the mountain. These red ninjas chase them around the mountains my words would never give the screen play for this action scene justice. [total awesomeness] then storm shadow is awake and there on a the mountain and the blind black guy is there i think he’s the master [obvs.] any way there’s like a whole congregation of ninja samurais and there like storm shadow why you kill our master? and he’s like i rah didn’t you know then grabs his sword and it breaks and is like you know that special material my sword is made out of wouldn’t break.

- Then they’re all like ooooh yes, yes your right and then we get a flashback [oh boy i do love flashbacks] basically it explains that it was some dude who he thought was his friend that killed his master framing him.

then storm shadow wants revenge so he a snakes and the Joes team up. You’re probably thinking well where the hell Bruce Willis comes in then he we go guys the three Joes get to his house. Bruce is jumps down from the ceiling silently and he’s like I’m retired blah. And then there just taking out weapons from everywhere and i mean everywhere the hob wasn’t real just a facade where he kept his guns the kettle was fixed to the hob -_-

Can i please just say that good guys win and be done by that? Something happened that i don’t remember mustn’t be that important. there’s some kind of G8 meeting and the prez is like lets disarm our nuclear weapons and they all do the he comes with these satellite bomb and KABOOM! London’s gone blown up by this satellite everyone just like holy moly shit just got real.

The Joes sweep in kicking butt snake eyes and storm shadow double team with the swords like O shiiiiite. Storm shadow kills the whistling guy and the rock kills some other dude and they all save the day HOLLA.

basically the movie is shit in retrospect. Uhm i will re-reedit this and stuff like pictures

- Lexa

Nothing But the Truth.

That time when your walking and your skirt rides up and you look round thinking i bet everyone is waiting for my vagina to fall out.

Lexa

The creativity of Mama, but a Horror i don’t think so.

This review is gonna be in mostly the same style as the review as a good day to die hard but it might be a bit long because there was a lot more content, as well as context and the filming was beautiful, [well if I'm allowed to say that I mean I'm no expert.]

Basically it’s not a piece of shit like die hard.

You may not have heard but there is this film called Mama and spoiler alert I’m pretty much going to tell you the whole story yes it is definitely worth seeing if you want a laugh but if it’s a fright you’re looking for then stand aside and let somebody else into the aisle to fumble around trying to find a good seat that is not a premiere seat.
[yeah that happened]
Here is the back story the dad wants to kill the daughters he killed the mother because they went bankrupt in the recession.
Here is Mama’s story
A woman ran from an asylum and took her baby was chased through the forest and jumped into a lake.
But she doesn’t know what happened tp her baby that why she’s bugging everyone and wants the girls
I realise that I just told you the beginning the end and the whole story but I wrote the in-depth stiff first so you should read it okay!
well it was a bit scary especially in the beginning I mean holy shit that part is freaky, it starts with an open car door with the radio on reporting a murder I think [I could be making this up, even though I saw this on Saturday I don't really remember details] there’s this kind of eerie silence we see the kids [the eldest daughter is so hipster with her thick rims] and the BAM! the dad comes into the room he’s like ‘get it the car. then he’s driving way too fast and his daughter actually tells him that and he’s like ‘shut up’ they skid, roll down this hill and crash into a tree in the woods [no random trees on the highway here no sir!]
They all get out the car there’s a bit of blood, then they stumble across the cabin [oh shit another cabin in the woods story poke me in the eye now] the dad goes to kill the eldest daughter and omg she is so cute he takes off her glasses. then the dad tries to do a George and Lennie [of mice and men] and I’m like holy shit don’t do it. but he doesn’t because these hands come out from nowhere and grab him.

Five years in the future

We are with the uncle [the same actor as the dad but he kind of looks sexier]. and his girlfriend Annabelle who is in a rock band awesome. this girl will make you laugh throughout the whole movie.
basically going into depth is kind of killing me this is only like the first 10 mins so let me cut to the point.
They find the girls Yay! they are complete weirdos, for these fives years they have been crawling around on their hands and only eating cherries. [There was a ginormous pile of cherry pis bone dry.]
Then were in court [what the fuck I thought I came out of my body and went into another screen -_-] the uncle and aunt were fighting over the kids [you'll be happy to know she doesn't get the kids and she gets fucked up her face is all mangled etc..]
The psych doctor gives them a house rent free [I was like you being fucking serious how does he keep his job] there living in the house the girls are doing their freaky thing Annabelle is funny and then the ghost comes out of the wall and the uncle drops down the stairs head first [I thought he was dead but no he lives] He has this weird vision and his dead brother shows him were to go. Annabelle looks after the kids and one night the younger girl lily jumps out the window to see Mama. Anyway I’m getting bored with explaining.
Mama goes on a mad one because Annabelle is getting too friendly with the kids and sucks out Annabelle’s back [I not kidding or exaggerating this actually happened]. Annabelle is fine but mama takes the girls [finally some real shit is about to go down] Annabelle wakes up and goes to find the girls [ I swear she is the only one with a bit of sense] she finds the uncle in the woods [ I swear these people go looking for trouble why are going into the woods in the dark after you just come out of hospital no coat and no flash light? Pure foolishness.] By now the psych guy is guy because he went to the cabin in the woods and the aunt has been fucked up Mama went into her body and her face hot distorted [HOLLA!]
There is this big struggle and Mama wants the girls and gets Lily and Victoria [the eldest] doesn’t want to go she wants a normal life
This is how the girls conversion goes
Mama Lily Victoria
No Mama Lily
No Victoria come
No Lily Victoria stay
Then end
You see this was not a horror I went home ans had some good sleep.
Ps don’t worry about the punctuation and grammar
Lexa